Selfishness gets to me. Aww, I know we're all selfish in different ways and different times but the worst to me is that arrogance that doesn't care what else you're hurting as long as you get what you want. Like, how people feel they can use animals and even other people any way they wish. I know it's seen as a Personal Moral Choice but where do we draw the line? Whose morals and standards do we use? Rather than follow anyone, I'm trying (and often failing) to choose the paths that cause the least amount of harm to anything else I encounter.

When I became a vegetarian I felt relieved knowing I wasn't killing animals for my food and I stopped using leather, wool, silk and any other products made from animals, animal testing and the like. I was trying my hardest to not cause any cruelty to animals but I was still causing pain and death. At that point I hadn't seen pictures of egg and dairy farms. I hadn't met my friend whose father worked inspecting these farms. And maybe if I'd known people who ran humane egg and dairy operations I would feel differently about this and still be eating eggs and dairy, I don't know. When we took in rescue goats and chickens, I didn't feel better eating their dairy and eggs so I don't think so. It did hurt me that I thought I wasn't killing animals for my food and I still was. It made me look at my relationships with other creatures, that's for sure. It made me think about the process that everything comes from, sweatshops, little kids picking cocoa beans, modern-day slavery, "fair trade", it's all so daunting but there's so much pain everywhere it seems.
As a sociologist I spend a lot (too much?) time looking at how people interact with each other. What impacts their decisions. What gets them to change. I wish I had a solid answer. Do we simply not know the deeper level of things? Do we not look out of fear or comfort or security? But...I'm sure this is generalizing...I haven't met a speciesist who doesn't also break it down within his/her own species. (I know they must exist, I haven't met any is all I'm saying) Judging other humans or creatures useless that they don't see as "fit" or "worthy". Why so much hate? Why can't we just appreciate life in all its forms? I grew up in the shadow of some of the most devastating cruelty of the 20th century, my family and town were filled with scars of abuse.  I wish I knew how to take away all the cruelty in the world.
None of us are an accident, we're here on purpose, regardless of the method we got here, it's an amazing, magical thing that we're here and alive! Are we here for a purpose? Maybe, I don't know...but I kinda think that purpose isn't to eradicate any other living thing we feel superior to.

There are many things that disturb me about the Karen Klein incident, more than the event itself, the comments and reactions surrounding it have been perfect examples of exactly what is wrong with parenting and our view of children.

What drives me utterly and completely round the twist with this situation is the fact that one adult bus monitor is publicly comforted, given loads of money and the bullies were punished and coerced into apologizing to her and yet every day we legally force children to go to school and other activities where they are repeatedly bullied with no rewards or comfort. How screwed up is that? And one adult woman can't handle a little bullying? What about kids to whom school and neighbor kids are their entire life? We throw a few platitudes at the kiddies, “sticks and stones” and “it's only words” or exhort them to be “better people” than the bullies. What the hell are we teaching our kids? What is this whole event teaching them? Once again, Adult Privilege, once you're grown up you count. Kinda. Maybe. If someone is recording it and you catch the public's attention and they're feeling all warm and fuzzy about you. But kids? Ehhhh, not so much. When was the last time a story broke about a kid who was bullied just once whose family received over half a million dollars for the kid to have a “dream vacation”, the bullies publicly apologize, are suspended for a year and the kid gets to do the rounds of morning and talk shows about how crappy being bullied is? I doubt Karen Klein was their first bullying victim, so where's the outcry and outpouring of love for the kids they likely did this to on a regular basis? 

The statistics on bullying and youth suicide are horrifying. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people between 10 and 24. Why? Are we blind to think that bullying doesn't contribute to suicidal feelings? Do we blow our kids off because we too were bullied and we turned out “just fine”? Do we accept it as “part of life”?

Why do we expect kids who have little life experience and even less actual guidance to handle things so much more maturely than a 68-year-old woman? I notice Karen Klein is donating some of her money to research for Down Syndrome, a cause close to her family; so far I've not heard that she's donating it to bullying causes.

Kids are civilized people, we're the savages.

So I was over at Care2 reading an article on "How to Discipline Your Child". It was thoughtful, filled with helpful ideas for the typical mom of youngsters. That is, if you happen to think your kid is not a "civilized person" who commits "petty crimes". The following was my response to reading that article.

My children are now in their late teens - they have both always been delightful humans and I believe the reason why is that we always treated them like humans. Many parents treat their children as sub-humans or not-quite-human-yet (that whole being considered a real human comes when they are of "legal age", right?) or mini "savages" that need to be "tamed". Our philosophy was to treat our kids with the same respect we treat each other and other human beings. As an Official Grown Up, I would be offended if others told me "you know better", gave me a time-out or gave me a swat if they didn't feel I was behaving appropriately. Society expects Kids to accept a lot of treatment that Grown Ups would never stand for.

Life is a series of choices and natural reactions to those choices. As parents we feel our responsibility is to provide training, protection and security for our children as they learn and make real the boundaries of their worlds.

As new parents our desire was to give our best to raise part of The Future to be involved, positive beings in the world. Because we chose to go without many creature comforts to raise our kids we got a LOT of face time with them and they saw that what we said was what we lived. They learned compassion, kindness, tolerance, respect, non-duality and a host of other helpful personal growth and social-interaction skills. Yes, even when they were toddlers, even when they were small children. Why play in the toilet or fight with brothers and sisters when you are busy gardening, being involved in community service or helping a neighbor? I always felt a tad guilty when we were praised for having "such well behaved children" because we didn't do anything special to "create" those beings! We simply treated them like, well, people.

It may not work for everyone, but it worked beautifully for us. I wish all parents joy, growth and *fun* in your parenting journeys

War is Hell

I live in Linty Belly Button, the original home of the American Patriot. They love war and the American soldier almost as much as they love Baby Jesus, college football and large chunks of meat. What they really hate are bleeding-heart liberal feminists who think that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan aren't the best usage of lives and tax dollars. I get a lot of the 'if you don't stand behind our soldiers, you're welcome to stand in front of them' kind of rhetoric, and I'm sure if they listened to me for a minute instead of stamping a label on me they might not hate me so much. Or maybe they would. I'm the wife and daughter of veterans and I have had a first-hand view of exactly how hellish war is on our soldiers. I also happen to believe that the very best way to support our troops is to have them safe and home. To protect them from PTSD, cancer, Gulf War Illness, missing limbs and suicide. To assure their families back home have adequate housing, medical care and support, and while we're at it that they don't have to live in fear either for their own lives or their husband's as the result of the PTSD, depression and stress of living through war. I'm not quite sure how that makes me unpatriotic or not supporting 'our' soldiers. I'm undoubtedly biased but I think it's much better than watching Fox News, waving flags, tying yellow ribbons, yelling "yay troops" and repeatedly playing 'Proud to be an American', which is, as far as I can see, how the average 'troop-supporting patriot' shows their patriotism and encourages the troops.

Right now, the American military system is broken. Congressmen are raking in six-figure salaries while the average service-member or veteran is living below poverty level. If s/he has a family, they likely qualify for WIC and food stamps, and often have to choose whether they can afford the medical co-pay for a spouse or child to receive needed care. Veterans and their families are going without needed medical equipment, prescriptions and care because of the limitations of the VA system and lack of money. Base housing is often unsafe and limited but at least the monthly bills are lower than living off-base. For disabled veterans, getting adaptations to their homes or cars is near impossible as the VA system is swamped with claims and service organisations such as Disabled American Veterans and Veterans of Foreign Wars do very little to actually help veterans receive their earned benefits. Thankfully a military base is a self-contained community with shopping, medical and even fast food joints a mere brisk walk away. However, the commissary and BX system, which are supposed to provide on-site grocery and housing goods for military members and their families are filled with expensive, name-brand goods and the commissary has a surcharge that often makes shopping there impractical for the lower ranks and retirees. Most commissaries are filled with processed foods and very little to accommodate those wishing to eat organic whole foods, nor do many have selections for those suffering celiac, lactose intolerance or dietary allergies. This all comes from first-hand experience, I've lived this.

It's unfathomable for me to believe that it is being unpatriotic to want children to grow up physically and emotionally healthy, without having to know the heartbreak of losing a parent in war or to the effects of war. I also know this from first-hand experience. The fact is: children are the greatest losers whenever there is war. I grew up without my father. It is heartless to say he could have been replaced. It wasn't possible. My step-mother got on perfectly fine with her life after my father's death, within months she was dating again and not much after a year she moved in with another man. She didn't want to marry him, you see, because that would have meant she would no longer be eligible for my father's military benefits and she didn't want to lose that. Many widows and widowers choose this option to assure they don't lose the benefits, the children, meanwhile, have to live with the fact that their parent will never return. When the surviving parent lives with another partner, there often is not the same stability or love that the deceased parent provided. So it provides a safety net for the parent while it allows the child to slip through and suffer. The children truly are the biggest losers in this scenario.

When children orphaned by war reach 18, they no longer receive monetary compensation for their parent's death. If they are able to go to university, there are educational benefits that barely cover tuition at the community college level. The surviving spouse, however, continues to receive monthly income courtesy the goverment. The child no longer receives medical benefits under his parent's name, although the surviving spouse does. This apparently comes from the thought process that the child is now an adult and should be able to provide these things for himself, while the surviving spouse, whether s/he has chosen another partner, should still be provided for. I believe it is a sick, broken system that heaps even more dysfunction and misery on already suffering kids. Children whose parents serve in the military and who lose their parents in war certainly suffer financially. But they suffer so much more emotionally. There is no support from the military or government to make sure these children receive psychological help, to be there for father-daughter teas/dances, to give the bride away on her wedding day, to teach teen to drive. Kids are left to make do the best they can, often without the support even of their remaining parent or parent figure. These are deep wounds and they affect all of society.

My father taught me to speak French, Turkish, Japanese and a few words of German. He taught me to love ethnic foods. He taught me to open my heart to friends of every colour, race, religion and philosophy. He was not ashamed to have tea parties with me, to cheer at my ballet recitals or hug my teddy bear when it got a 'boo boo'. He wasn't ashamed to bring my brother and I along with him when he received a commendation for bravery in battle. He was the kind of guy who was so loved and respected by his co-workers that they built sand castles at the beach with my brother and treated me like a fairy princess. The kind of man that other soldiers wanted to serve with because (so they said) they knew they'd make it home alive if they were with him. Two fellows did indeed come home because my father was willing to risk his own life to save them from enemy fire. That is the person that my brother and I, and the world, lost because of war.

The man my step-mother lived with assumed no responsibility for my medical bills, he didn't set up a college trust for me, he didn't even give me an allowance. He showed no kindness to me, nor gave me support of any kind. He did not fill, in any way, a father role for me. He did not provide any help or guidance for my future. I have no father, he was taken from me. He was not, could not ever be replaced and I bear the scars to this day of the loss. Yes, I have achieved a life of my own, I have gone on to form a happy, loving family and I'm a 'functioning member of society'. But given the choice, I would rather have had my father, and for the other orphans of war to have their fathers too, than to have them wasted in a conflict that has no real bearing on the defence of the country. If that makes me unpatriotic, if that makes me a bleeding-heart liberal, if that makes me unsupportive to 'our' troops, I will accept that label any day over that of "patriot" and their superstitious sacrificing of soldiers to the Gods of War in hopes that we are all "safe" from some hypothetical evil.

Every Day's a Holiday...

For a billion different reasons, publicly recognized holidays aren't special days for me. When I was young, holidays were whenever my father was home. When my father died, holidays were endless tests of endurance with people who weren't related to me and acted it. When I was on my own, holidays were days of peace and quiet. And when I got married the cycle started from zero again as holidays were whenever my husband was home. As our children arrived and we embraced an unschooling lifestyle a truth my mind had been trying to grasp became obvious: every day is a holiday, every day is a special day. It took years for the idea to fully bloom...seeds were planted when my father died a few days before Thanksgiving, watered when I spent the summer holiday season frozen with the news that I had cancer and sprouted when my husband's car was hit by a city bus days before his spring birthday. My truth learned through those events was that special days may never come so we must cherish the days we do have.

Some of my friends feel sorry that our family don't celebrate specific holidays. It's not like we're party poopers or criticize their choice to celebrate, really it's no different than us not eating meat or practicing a different religion or unschooling. We just do things a little differently. They enjoy the routine and the traditions that come with marking special days. I'm happy for them but don't feel that we're missing out at all. And while we may not observe in the way others do, we do note days that are important to our ethnicity, home countries, countries we were raised in or socio-political causes. But do we only ever have pumpkin pie one day of the year? Get loads of presents on one or two officially sanctioned times? Eat a special cake on the day we entered the world? No, we don't do that. We eat cake when we want to eat cake, and if someone wants plum pudding, stuffing, cranberries, veg mince meat or sweet potato pie, we make it. I've never really liked the idea of giving presents on specific days- if there is something special I want to give a loved one it seems silly to wait for birthdays or christmas to give it, not to mention that there are so many issues surrounding wishing for gifts and building up hopes and encouraging materialism. Since I have lived in the United States, people think that it's a little kooky to be concerned with teaching materialism or consumerist attitudes to my kids - getting gifts is often treated as a right and parents who would prefer to raise their kids with the sense to decide for themselves what they want and if the item is worth it border on the cruel. There are more ways to cherish children than lavishing gifts upon them.

Last holiday season, one of the moms I follow on Twitter shared a story about making pumpkin pie with her daughter. The daughter wanted to eat the pie once it was cool and was sorely disappointed that the pie was to be eaten a few days later. While I appreciate the value of learning to wait for something, I kept thinking, 'it's just a pie, for crying out loud!' We get plenty of lessons on learning to wait for things we want, yet there are vitally important lessons we can teach by letting our kids have something they do want, too. Sharing a tiny slice of a freshly-baked pie with your daughter teaches her that she's important to you, and she gets to enjoy the results of her work. That can create a forever-memory for both mother and daughter to treasure. That's precisely why I make my family's favourite meals every day. It's why we get presents any time of year. It's why we balance fun things with the work. Because every day is special. Every day is precious. Because today may be the only day we all have together and it would be a pity to save up all the fun for birthdays, christmas or thanksgiving. Love is made to be shared every day of the year in the little ways and the big.