Kids are civilized people, we're the savages.

So I was over at Care2 reading an article on "How to Discipline Your Child". It was thoughtful, filled with helpful ideas for the typical mom of youngsters. That is, if you happen to think your kid is not a "civilized person" who commits "petty crimes". The following was my response to reading that article.

My children are now in their late teens - they have both always been delightful humans and I believe the reason why is that we always treated them like humans. Many parents treat their children as sub-humans or not-quite-human-yet (that whole being considered a real human comes when they are of "legal age", right?) or mini "savages" that need to be "tamed". Our philosophy was to treat our kids with the same respect we treat each other and other human beings. As an Official Grown Up, I would be offended if others told me "you know better", gave me a time-out or gave me a swat if they didn't feel I was behaving appropriately. Society expects Kids to accept a lot of treatment that Grown Ups would never stand for.

Life is a series of choices and natural reactions to those choices. As parents we feel our responsibility is to provide training, protection and security for our children as they learn and make real the boundaries of their worlds.

As new parents our desire was to give our best to raise part of The Future to be involved, positive beings in the world. Because we chose to go without many creature comforts to raise our kids we got a LOT of face time with them and they saw that what we said was what we lived. They learned compassion, kindness, tolerance, respect, non-duality and a host of other helpful personal growth and social-interaction skills. Yes, even when they were toddlers, even when they were small children. Why play in the toilet or fight with brothers and sisters when you are busy gardening, being involved in community service or helping a neighbor? I always felt a tad guilty when we were praised for having "such well behaved children" because we didn't do anything special to "create" those beings! We simply treated them like, well, people.

It may not work for everyone, but it worked beautifully for us. I wish all parents joy, growth and *fun* in your parenting journeys

War is Hell

I live in Linty Belly Button, the original home of the American Patriot. They love war and the American soldier almost as much as they love Baby Jesus, college football and large chunks of meat. What they really hate are bleeding-heart liberal feminists who think that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan aren't the best usage of lives and tax dollars. I get a lot of the 'if you don't stand behind our soldiers, you're welcome to stand in front of them' kind of rhetoric, and I'm sure if they listened to me for a minute instead of stamping a label on me they might not hate me so much. Or maybe they would. I'm the wife and daughter of veterans and I have had a first-hand view of exactly how hellish war is on our soldiers. I also happen to believe that the very best way to support our troops is to have them safe and home. To protect them from PTSD, cancer, Gulf War Illness, missing limbs and suicide. To assure their families back home have adequate housing, medical care and support, and while we're at it that they don't have to live in fear either for their own lives or their husband's as the result of the PTSD, depression and stress of living through war. I'm not quite sure how that makes me unpatriotic or not supporting 'our' soldiers. I'm undoubtedly biased but I think it's much better than watching Fox News, waving flags, tying yellow ribbons, yelling "yay troops" and repeatedly playing 'Proud to be an American', which is, as far as I can see, how the average 'troop-supporting patriot' shows their patriotism and encourages the troops.

Right now, the American military system is broken. Congressmen are raking in six-figure salaries while the average service-member or veteran is living below poverty level. If s/he has a family, they likely qualify for WIC and food stamps, and often have to choose whether they can afford the medical co-pay for a spouse or child to receive needed care. Veterans and their families are going without needed medical equipment, prescriptions and care because of the limitations of the VA system and lack of money. Base housing is often unsafe and limited but at least the monthly bills are lower than living off-base. For disabled veterans, getting adaptations to their homes or cars is near impossible as the VA system is swamped with claims and service organisations such as Disabled American Veterans and Veterans of Foreign Wars do very little to actually help veterans receive their earned benefits. Thankfully a military base is a self-contained community with shopping, medical and even fast food joints a mere brisk walk away. However, the commissary and BX system, which are supposed to provide on-site grocery and housing goods for military members and their families are filled with expensive, name-brand goods and the commissary has a surcharge that often makes shopping there impractical for the lower ranks and retirees. Most commissaries are filled with processed foods and very little to accommodate those wishing to eat organic whole foods, nor do many have selections for those suffering celiac, lactose intolerance or dietary allergies. This all comes from first-hand experience, I've lived this.

It's unfathomable for me to believe that it is being unpatriotic to want children to grow up physically and emotionally healthy, without having to know the heartbreak of losing a parent in war or to the effects of war. I also know this from first-hand experience. The fact is: children are the greatest losers whenever there is war. I grew up without my father. It is heartless to say he could have been replaced. It wasn't possible. My step-mother got on perfectly fine with her life after my father's death, within months she was dating again and not much after a year she moved in with another man. She didn't want to marry him, you see, because that would have meant she would no longer be eligible for my father's military benefits and she didn't want to lose that. Many widows and widowers choose this option to assure they don't lose the benefits, the children, meanwhile, have to live with the fact that their parent will never return. When the surviving parent lives with another partner, there often is not the same stability or love that the deceased parent provided. So it provides a safety net for the parent while it allows the child to slip through and suffer. The children truly are the biggest losers in this scenario.

When children orphaned by war reach 18, they no longer receive monetary compensation for their parent's death. If they are able to go to university, there are educational benefits that barely cover tuition at the community college level. The surviving spouse, however, continues to receive monthly income courtesy the goverment. The child no longer receives medical benefits under his parent's name, although the surviving spouse does. This apparently comes from the thought process that the child is now an adult and should be able to provide these things for himself, while the surviving spouse, whether s/he has chosen another partner, should still be provided for. I believe it is a sick, broken system that heaps even more dysfunction and misery on already suffering kids. Children whose parents serve in the military and who lose their parents in war certainly suffer financially. But they suffer so much more emotionally. There is no support from the military or government to make sure these children receive psychological help, to be there for father-daughter teas/dances, to give the bride away on her wedding day, to teach teen to drive. Kids are left to make do the best they can, often without the support even of their remaining parent or parent figure. These are deep wounds and they affect all of society.

My father taught me to speak French, Turkish, Japanese and a few words of German. He taught me to love ethnic foods. He taught me to open my heart to friends of every colour, race, religion and philosophy. He was not ashamed to have tea parties with me, to cheer at my ballet recitals or hug my teddy bear when it got a 'boo boo'. He wasn't ashamed to bring my brother and I along with him when he received a commendation for bravery in battle. He was the kind of guy who was so loved and respected by his co-workers that they built sand castles at the beach with my brother and treated me like a fairy princess. The kind of man that other soldiers wanted to serve with because (so they said) they knew they'd make it home alive if they were with him. Two fellows did indeed come home because my father was willing to risk his own life to save them from enemy fire. That is the person that my brother and I, and the world, lost because of war.

The man my step-mother lived with assumed no responsibility for my medical bills, he didn't set up a college trust for me, he didn't even give me an allowance. He showed no kindness to me, nor gave me support of any kind. He did not fill, in any way, a father role for me. He did not provide any help or guidance for my future. I have no father, he was taken from me. He was not, could not ever be replaced and I bear the scars to this day of the loss. Yes, I have achieved a life of my own, I have gone on to form a happy, loving family and I'm a 'functioning member of society'. But given the choice, I would rather have had my father, and for the other orphans of war to have their fathers too, than to have them wasted in a conflict that has no real bearing on the defence of the country. If that makes me unpatriotic, if that makes me a bleeding-heart liberal, if that makes me unsupportive to 'our' troops, I will accept that label any day over that of "patriot" and their superstitious sacrificing of soldiers to the Gods of War in hopes that we are all "safe" from some hypothetical evil.

Every Day's a Holiday...

For a billion different reasons, publicly recognized holidays aren't special days for me. When I was young, holidays were whenever my father was home. When my father died, holidays were endless tests of endurance with people who weren't related to me and acted it. When I was on my own, holidays were days of peace and quiet. And when I got married the cycle started from zero again as holidays were whenever my husband was home. As our children arrived and we embraced an unschooling lifestyle a truth my mind had been trying to grasp became obvious: every day is a holiday, every day is a special day. It took years for the idea to fully bloom...seeds were planted when my father died a few days before Thanksgiving, watered when I spent the summer holiday season frozen with the news that I had cancer and sprouted when my husband's car was hit by a city bus days before his spring birthday. My truth learned through those events was that special days may never come so we must cherish the days we do have.

Some of my friends feel sorry that our family don't celebrate specific holidays. It's not like we're party poopers or criticize their choice to celebrate, really it's no different than us not eating meat or practicing a different religion or unschooling. We just do things a little differently. They enjoy the routine and the traditions that come with marking special days. I'm happy for them but don't feel that we're missing out at all. And while we may not observe in the way others do, we do note days that are important to our ethnicity, home countries, countries we were raised in or socio-political causes. But do we only ever have pumpkin pie one day of the year? Get loads of presents on one or two officially sanctioned times? Eat a special cake on the day we entered the world? No, we don't do that. We eat cake when we want to eat cake, and if someone wants plum pudding, stuffing, cranberries, veg mince meat or sweet potato pie, we make it. I've never really liked the idea of giving presents on specific days- if there is something special I want to give a loved one it seems silly to wait for birthdays or christmas to give it, not to mention that there are so many issues surrounding wishing for gifts and building up hopes and encouraging materialism. Since I have lived in the United States, people think that it's a little kooky to be concerned with teaching materialism or consumerist attitudes to my kids - getting gifts is often treated as a right and parents who would prefer to raise their kids with the sense to decide for themselves what they want and if the item is worth it border on the cruel. There are more ways to cherish children than lavishing gifts upon them.

Last holiday season, one of the moms I follow on Twitter shared a story about making pumpkin pie with her daughter. The daughter wanted to eat the pie once it was cool and was sorely disappointed that the pie was to be eaten a few days later. While I appreciate the value of learning to wait for something, I kept thinking, 'it's just a pie, for crying out loud!' We get plenty of lessons on learning to wait for things we want, yet there are vitally important lessons we can teach by letting our kids have something they do want, too. Sharing a tiny slice of a freshly-baked pie with your daughter teaches her that she's important to you, and she gets to enjoy the results of her work. That can create a forever-memory for both mother and daughter to treasure. That's precisely why I make my family's favourite meals every day. It's why we get presents any time of year. It's why we balance fun things with the work. Because every day is special. Every day is precious. Because today may be the only day we all have together and it would be a pity to save up all the fun for birthdays, christmas or thanksgiving. Love is made to be shared every day of the year in the little ways and the big.

Living with Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome: Skin

Since Meat was diagnosed with Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome as an adult, he and I have done a lot of learning as we go. Since most of the doctors he encounters have no clue what the condition even is, let alone experience in treating it, we've had to research, ask questions and apply what we've learned. Sometimes we have to try different therapies before we find one that works for us. One thing we can say with certainty about our life with Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome is that it is a condition that requires constant altering, adjusting, re-thinking and learning.

The most obvious 'symptom' of Meat's K-T is the birthmark. It covers his skin, to those who see him the first time, it is his skin. It's what draws the most stares, the most questions. Thankfully despite being the outermost part of him, most of the problems we've had with his skin have been manageable.

How Do You Keep It Safe From Harm?

The biggest challenge we have is keeping his skin safe from harm. The typical wounds we take for granted - paper cuts, scratches, kitchen injuries - all tend to cause Meat's vascular malformation to bleed profusely. This is quite different from the venous ruptures he's had from his varicose veins. It would be easier if we were talking about an isolated area but we're talking about his entire right arm down his chest, half his back around his side...and his buttock down his leg. Which leaves a lot of area to protect. Some memorable bleeding events have involved our son's dog jumping up on Meat, our cat barely scratching him and a scrape on our fence. The bleeding from his affected side is much worse than that of the other side. He has scraped both hands and not bled on his left hand while his right hand injury quickly pooled and dripped.

His compression garments help with some protection, covering his skin at all helps with some protection. This is much easier in the cooler months than during our hot summer. Sometimes his compression garments, cannot be worn since they aggravate his ulcers and dermatitis. So we haven't come up with a foolproof method to protect his skin.

Weather also affects his skin. Heat and cold impact him more than the rest of us, the vascular malformation being particularly touchy when the weather is too warm or too cold.


Dermatitis

Meat's skin itches. A lot. He also suffers from crawling sensations. Some of this is caused by neuropathy, but to him it is something he feels on his skin. Keeping him from aggravating dermatitis and/or causing wounds from a simple itch is a challenge. I've mentioned that we use coconut oil to keep his skin hydrated and that does help. We do have to be careful of what we put on his skin as products with excessive ingredients can irritate it. We've had success using some lotions from the health food store (Aubrey and Desert Essence are two good brands) and pure olive oil soap (which can also be found at health food stores or ethnic grocers for a little less money) helps to keep his skin clean without drying it out.

Ulcers and Aseptic Cellulitis

Ulcers and aseptic cellulitis have caused us the most frustration in dealing with doctors that have little experience treating Klippel-Trenaunay. Since most doctors are used to treating diabetes-related ulcers or septic cellulitis, not only do they not immediately consider it an option, but have often been incredibly degrading to Meat when he brings the subject up. This happens on a regular basis at the Oklahoma City Veterans Administration hospital where he is treated, and the frequent cycling of doctors does not help this.

Meat's ulcers have ranged from tiny to nickel-sized. When he begins to complain of the pain or notices one, we get him to rest with the leg up. The first doctor who diagnosed and treated one (an internist with an interest in vascular conditions) prescribed an Unnas Boot and rest. We've found out since that this is the generally the indicated treatment for these types of ulcers. Since we have moved into the OKC Veterans Hospital system, however, the doctors here are quick to ridicule and belittle him first and apologise later. When he has gone in for ulcers, he's been told there is nothing to worry about and that all he needs is a regular latex bandage. Even his vascular doctors are little help as none of them have experience treating Klippel-Trenaunay or conditions involving vascular malformations. Often we are left to do what we can and so we keep the ulcer bandaged and his limb elevated.

Aseptic cellulitis is an even stranger beast to get treatment for. We have been dealing with this particular problem for a little over two years. His first vascular doctor insisted he had bug bites and prescribed NSAIDS, which are contraindicated for him. After her repeated insistence that the spreading was still bug bites she referred him to dermatology, who also had no firm answers about what it was. Earlier this year he saw a doctor at the VA hospital's Acute Care clinic who laughed at him when he asked if it could be aseptic cellulitis as it has been reported in K-T patients. She told him that in 20 years of practicing medicine she had never seen it so while yes, it certainly hypothetically exists, she personally did not believe in it. It was hard not to laugh since this same doctor had an ash smudge on her forehead and was telling her colleagues that she needed to leave early for an Ash Wednesday service. I guess it's easier to believe in some things you've never seen than others.

With a rare condition, so much learning is really done as we go along. It's challenging to deal with doctors who believe they have all the answers yet have none for you. It can get disheartening. Support is very important, whether it's from family, friends or a support group. If you're a family member of a newly diagnosed K-T patient, I would encourage you to research as much as possible, ask your doctors and most of all, be understanding and kind. What may seem typical or average to you may not be for your loved one. If you have Klippel-Trenaunay, don't be afraid to speak up, don't be afraid of looking weak or not being the same as others. Be honest with how you feel.

The Saddest Time of Year

Today's World Humanitarian Day! Flooding in Pakistan, mudslides in China, wars in so many countries and so many suffering people. I applaud the humanitarian workers who are willing to sacrifice their comfort, shed tears and share themselves with those who need it so desperately.

While reading over the Humanitarian Principles a the WHD site, I was struck by two thoughts: Each one of us can function as a Humanitarian Actor in our daily lives. If we can change things in our own backyards, perhaps it could make a serious impact in the larger world. I'm very thankful that my daily trials where I currently live are not as severe as what many face. But as an unschooler, I find that most of the Humanitarian Principles could easily apply to parental life.

Humanity: Human suffering must be addressed wherever it is found. The purpose of humanitarian action is to protect life and health and ensure respect for human beings.

Neutrality: Humanitarian actors must not take sides in hostilities or engage in controversies of a political, racial, religious or ideological nature.

Impartiality: Humanitarian action must be carried out on the basis of need alone, giving priority to the most urgent cases of distress and making no distinctions on the basis of nationality, race, gender, religious belief, class or political opinion.

Operational Independence: Humanitarian action must be autonomous from the political, economic, military or other objectives that any actor may hold with regard to areas where humanitarian action is being implemented".

Maybe I'm particularly sensitive to this as World Humanitarian Day falls so close to Back To School Time and seeing so many kids lose their freedom is difficult for me. No, it's not on the same level as the Democratic Republic of Congo or Pakistan. But if we can give our kids their freedom, autonomy and souls back maybe we'll have more people to stop or help those who don't have the same opportunities we do.

Approval

First things first: you don't need the approval of others to be a great parent. You don't even need their encouragement, their tips/tricks/techniques or their "wisdom". I'm joyful when I hear of parents who have chosen to change destructive family habits in order to give their children a better life. I'm thrilled when I see parents completely changing their socialised thought patterns and conditioning to step outside of the accepted norm so their family can be free. It takes a lot of courage to do this and often it can mean ridicule or estrangement from family and friends. We definitely are the Local Freaks for thinking and living the way we do.

I'm pleased at the variety of encouragement available to parents seeking change. I've seen quite a few moms share that they've had their eyes opened thanks to a book, web site or documentary. And while I'm excited to see more and more parents looking at their kids as the humans they are and making radical changes, I'm also devastated by the same comments. Why? Because so many of us are so insecure and unsure of our own instincts that we need reassurance from people we often have never met nor are likely to. What those comments tell me is that the societal conditioning/public school mentality indoctrination is pervasive. "Don't do anything different from the crowd, even if your guts are crying out for something different." Why do we do it? To gain the approval of our peer group? Some people do it even for the approval of strangers. But here's the thing: we don't have to. The scary fact is that each of us is responsible for our own actions, our own lives. Despite the conditioning, abuse (or lack of), pressure and the millions of other factors that have led us to this point in time, the person who is choosing to move in your life is you. There are countless ways in which I could have emulated my father, step-mother, brother, various family, classmates, friends, teachers, neighbours...but I didn't pick up every one of their habits. Waking up to the concept that I had total choice over the world I created was empowering. It meant I didn't have to live by the template I was given nor by standards I had enforced upon me. I was free to choose. I was free to learn how to truly live.

What's more, each of us has a moral base - an idea of what is right and wrong in our personal universes. I'm not talking televangelist morality, but what you feel is right and wrong in your personal actions. So, even if you are currently living your life seeking approval from people, there is no guarantee that they will give it or even give it consistently, based on what they believe is right and wrong. What a waste to seek the approval of anyone else! Why not listen to your instincts instead, especially when it comes to being a mother or father? You have before you a tiny human, not a sub-human, not a less-than-human, but a teensy human life. Look at that little face and think of all the heartless people out there who won't care about her feelings. Think of all the people who will hurt him, or try to hurt him. You have the power to bring joy and goodness to this life, to counter for all the knocks and garbage she may encounter in the future. You have the power to shape and share a positive world to make up for the negativity that seems to surround so many. You can make a change to the world right now, today, by being the parent your child needs. By giving love, attention, patience, kindness and warmth to even one child, you are making the world a better place! For your child, for you, and for all who will encounter your child in the future. As a mom, that is amazing to me. My kids are older now and I'm able to see some of the results of my 'easy' work and I'm awed. They've become much more amazing people than I could ever have imagined. All because I was willing to give them a world filled with positivity, love, freedom and joy. Because I was willing to say "I don't know, let's find out" and "What do you think?" and "I love you"

You don't need anyone else's approval to open up a beautiful world, you just need love and a willingness to try. You may find that your own approval is all that matters to you after all.

Mutant Meat meets Klippel and Trenaunay

I believe I've mentioned that our amazing life keeps us pretty wrapped up in daily activities, many of them having nothing to do with the internet. Living in a very Unenlightened area means that I appreciate my Cyber-Sanity Souls that much more but honestly, I'm extremely thankful that my Real Life is full and satisfying. Well, mostly satisfying. Three members of The Fam deal with congenital health issues that are managed much better alternatively than via the Allopathic Road. While some of the conditions we're dealing with (say...Celiac, for one) are the hot topic in print and on the web, I thought I'd give a little basic information on a lesser-known condition.

I'm hoping to give a basic overview of what Klippel-Trenaunay looks like in Meat's case and will write more in the future about some of the problems we've had living with K-T, some ways we've adapted our lives and supplements he takes. Currently, the biggest problem facing those with K-T is ignorance. Unless you've heard of Martin vs. The PGA or read Carla Sosenko's article about it, likely you've never heard of Klippel-Trenaunay either. Unlike, well, diabetes, hyperlipidemia, rheumatoid arthritis, even manic-depression. Which is fine. Except that doctors know about as much as the general public. Not a good thing, nor very helpful when faced with a rare and potentially life-threatening condition! Only with awareness, will we have a chance to get proper care for our loved ones.

The Basics

Meat has Klippel-Trenaunay Syndrome, also known as Osteo-angiohypertrophy. If you're interested in reading about it from a clinical point of view, here is as good a start as any. When he was diagnosed a few years ago (most K-T diagnoses are given at birth or early childhood) Meat's doctor wrote down the name of the condition and told him to look it up on the internet - then he would have about the same amount of knowledge regarding it as the doctor did. Yes, it's that unusual a condition. Most doctors we have spoken with have never seen it before and have told us that they have no idea what they are dealing with or how to treat it. Even doctors who claim to have knowledge about K-T or have had experience don't know how to treat it. In our case, we've had more doctors who have totally been out of the ballpark on diagnosing complaints associated with K-T than we've had doctors who knew what to do. Meat appeared asymptomatic as a child so his doctors simply diagnosed him as having a "birthmark". When he went into the military, many of the hallmarks of Klippel-Trenaunay became evident although doctors still did not diagnose him. In fact, a VA doctor had written "Klippel-Trenaunay?" in his records but no VA doctor ever followed up on it. It was actually my doctor (a DO) that brought up the subject of Meat's condition during one of my appointments. Without his leads, we might still not know what we've been dealing with.

Appearances Aren't Everything

I know I'm biased and I adore my husband so it's only natural for me to say that he's a unique fella and a one-of-a-kind model. But I'm talking about his spirit when I say that. Most people only see the outside of Meat, and many of them have a lot of questions. It's an undeniable fact that Meat is a mutant. At first glance he may look pretty human, but there's the large matter of his birthmark...so large that it takes up (more or less) the entire right side of his body. Those who have no experience with birthmarks have asked if he was burned, injured, or had a rash. His doctor refers to it as an "arterio-venous malformation". It tends to be red or pink and will become more red when he's warm and purple when he's cold. I really don't like it when friends or acquaintances ask me about his birthmark instead of asking Meat outright. I presume they are trying to be delicate but it ends up feeling like gossip. I think like anything else, people with K-T have days that they feel more approachable than others. But overall, Meat doesn't mind it, every question is an opportunity to raise awareness!

The skin AVM/birthmark requires a little care, he's susceptible to eczema and aseptic cellulitis. He's been prescribed lanolin and steroid creams, originally his doctor told him to just schmear a bunch of vegetable shortening on it to keep it supple. We use coconut oil as it seems to work the best and smells lovely. He has a vaso-constrictor spasm problem....which is really saying he has a similar condition to Reynaud's Disease but not quite. During the winter we make sure his hand and foot are covered well because he loses sensation in his fingers and toes. The last two fingers don't recover well from cold. Oh, and how could I almost forget about the Bleeding Issue: where his skin AVM covers is much more likely to bleed from any small scratch than his "normal" side. If he nicks his hand doing any everyday job, he bleeds. Sometimes a lot. My son's dog jumped up for attention and his claw grazed Meat's side. It bled profusely. Excessive bleeding can be a big problem for K-T folks, Meat's been told to be vigilant because while not probable, it is possible to exsanguinate. Say, in his sleep. Not probable though...

'Those are really groovy shoes...'

After the birthmark, strangers are likely to comment on Meat's groovy footwear. I will be the first to cringe at his love for '70s American music and his past brushes with heavy metal but believe me when I tell you his Kiss Boots are not an expression of his Inner Ace. When he wears his boots, he is 183 cm* which is his height as measured by his right leg. Without his boots, he's 177 cm** Because his care for his growing right leg was sporadic and mostly ignored during his military service, he also has scoliosis, kyphosis and arthritis brought about by his body attempting to compensate for the difference in lengths. His right leg is still growing, as is his right arm. Both his right arm and leg are also perceptibly larger in circumference than the left. His trunk is affected and is larger than the other side. If he were a kid, he might have surgery or some other corrective measure for it. He's an adult and his arm and leg are still growing. He keeps getting higher lifts. I don't know how long this will be practical.

There's quite a bit of pain associated with this, he has osteo-arthritis in his hip and knee. His back hurts. He's been diagnosed with osteopenia. Due to the excessive growing of his right leg, it is brittle, weak and his ankle twists easily. He wears fitted casts on both legs. Over his compression stockings to keep the swelling down and protect his numerous varicose veins on his right foot and leg.

*that's 6' for all you Americans, Liberians and Burmese who may not speak metric
**and that's 5'10"

The Human Time Bomb

To round out the joy, Meat also has a spinal AVM, it's located between T-4 and T-6. We know very little about it overall, after it was initially diagnosed, no VA doctor has followed up on it despite our repeated asking. Each doctor refers us to another doctor before 'anything can be done'. I kind of think it's like what we deal with when we save up the money to see outside doctors: they really have no idea what they're even looking at. Steve Slocum of Spinal AVM Information compares having an AVM to having a time bomb in your body. It's an excellent analogy. We're hoping that the placement of his AVM would mean that it's low enough to not affect his brain if it bleeds. But it could result in paralysis. There have been some symptoms and lately there seem to be more of them: headaches, back pain, bathroom issues, pain, numbness and tingling in an arm, visual disturbances. The most frustrating thing about this is not having any doctors take us seriously and not having the money or insurance to go out of state. Aside from the small fact that many of the treatment options leave AVM sufferers as bad or worse off than before treatment. But the risks without treatment...it's a scary place to be.

Every time I get my hopes up, when we scrape together enough money to see a doctor or write to an out-of-state doctor or hospital in hopes of guidance, it results in a dead end. But it's important to not give up, to keep asking questions and to do what we can do to handle the condition on our own in the meantime.

Awareness is the Key

To complicate matters more, every case of Klippel-Trenaunay is unique. Some K-T folks are impossible to miss while others blend easily into the crowd. This is why awareness is so important. After all, if few doctors even have a clue how to manage this condition, how can family, friends or the public help? For starters, we can talk.
Tell your stories, tell your problems, fears, tell about the mistakes and about what works.

Learn everything you can - learn how the human body works, read research papers, connect with other K-T'ers and their families. Be the pre-eminent lay person in your area on Klippel-Trenaunay. If you have a child with K-T, don't let fear keep helpful information from him. He already knows he has something going on with his body, help him to positively deal with it rather than fear and feel like a freak.

Be an advocate and if you have a child with K-T, give her the information she needs to be her own advocate. Educate yourself. Educate your family. No matter who you are in the K-T picture, having as much information as possible will allow you to confidently speak up to doctors, ask questions and seek the best treatment possible. It is infinitely better to be an advocate than to be a victim. Speaking up can be the difference between getting treatment and getting blown off. As little progress as we feel we've made, it has been our perseverance and unwillingness to have doctors shrug that has gotten us this far. There's a long way to go but we have so much more now than we did at the initial diagnosis.

Take pride in who you are. If you have K-T, don't hide, don't be ashamed. You are magnificent, you are much more than 'just' a K-T'er. Don't let others' reactions to your K-T stop you from being fully you. You are not a second-class citizen just because you are different! If you have a child with K-T: Your child is amazing and trying to make him 'normal' will only lead to frustration for you both. If he looks unique, feels unique and/or has a unique way of living (medications, medical treatments, wheelchair/cane) raise him to be proud of who he is rather than having him compare himself with kids who don't have a chronic condition. Truly living is so much more different than what we often think it is. Help him to embrace life and truly live and enjoy it.

It's frightening to receive the diagnosis of Klippel-Trenaunay. If you allow it, it's the opportunity to open so many doors and to become a greater person than you ever thought you could be. You can be more learned, open-minded, thoughtful, empowered. Don't give up, don't stop seeking and never be ashamed.

You can help your chronically ill child thrive!

Bu was two when he had his first migraine; Jane has battled auto-immunity issues much of her life. Many parents feel helpless when they find out their children have chronic illnesses but really, there is no need to panic. If a loving parent is willing to adapt and adjust her/his lifestyle a bit, their kids can thrive. If you're already an attachment/peaceful-parenting, weirdo hippie like me, most of what I'm going to say may seem familiar, even if your kids don't have chronic illness.

I'm not going to share tips on how to help your kid deal with being made fun of, how to be Prom Queen or how to be Just Like The Other Kids because that's just not the world our family chooses to live in. I'm going to talk about how to help your kid thrive and become the best person he can be despite being ill. These are things that have worked for our family. Keep in mind that to the average American we're Crazy Hippie Freaks so these tips may not help you in the slightest.

Because it's heinously awkward to constantly write s/he or his/hers, I've tried to use 'him', 'her' and the like alternately. Hopefully it isn't awkward to read!

First Things First

It's not politically correct or often done these days in the medical field but the first thing both you and your child need to accept is that there are limits to what he can do. More often than not, it will harm him to “just push through it”. In my son's case, it could be life-threatening. Living with limits is generally much more preferable than not living at all.

Hopefully you already have an open and good relationship with your kid, it's imperative that you're open to listen to her when she talks about her health. Even better if he's in touch with his symptoms and pains. If she can tell you when the pain is different or he needs to rest. It's that teamwork that will help you and your child thrive. Help him to develop a good “pain vocabularly” or to express exactly what he feels he can do at the time. You can aid her by showing how to break down big tasks into easily manageable ones on days that the pain or fatigue are overwhelming.

As a parent, there often is a terrible sense of guilt and sometimes feels there's more stress than you can handle. Often that's due to the fact that you're trying to do too much. Change your expectations and be willing to alter your life a bit. Remember, your job as a parent is to show your kid the ropes. She will learn by watching you more than she will ever retain all that you say. So show her how life is done. Most kids are bright enough to figure out that too many adults run themselves ragged simply trying to impress someone else. Lighten up and have fun. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone. Cherish what you have this minute, this day, particularly if you have ill family!


Eat to Live

Regardless of the condition, make sure you're giving her the healthiest food possible. It can be hard to say no to junk food and non-food, but truly, you're not doing her any favours by giving these foods. When your schedule is hectic it may be tempting to get some fast food, don't give in. If your kid is already on any type of medication, her liver and kidneys are already doing plenty trying to process unnatural ingredients. They don't need to have more to do and since most fast food is made up of things our bodies don't recognise as “food”. They simply have a hard time processing it.

Most chronic conditions can be aided by the regular use of organic, REAL foods. Both our kids (17 ½ and 16 by Western age reckoning) are celiac and Bu experiences migraine flares from additional foods. As much as they might like the taste of something, both know that the pay-off isn't worth it. Since I was already a Real Food junkie and had raised the kids the same as much as it was possible on my end, it wasn't that difficult to convince the kids that there are just as many yummy things they could eat that wouldn't harm them. It took a little longer to convince Meat: Giver of Bad Foods, though!

Definitely though, axe the soda pop, candy, flourescent salty snacks and fast food. Try it for a month and see if you and your kid don't feel better. Have fun browsing the local farmer's markets and growing your own fruits and veggies. Try making different ethnic foods since most other cultures have much healthier meals than what's considered “food” in the States.


Thrive on Real Life

If your child is in public/private school, understand that if he says he doesn't want to go or he feels he can't make it, that is a very real feeling for him. It doesn't necessarily mean he's trying to scam. It's often too much to ask an ill child to take on that environment. If it was simply about learning, that might be one thing, but school entails so much more than that. Don't forget, for thousands of years kids did not go to school and somehow they were able to survive and interact in social settings.

Open your mind to homeschooling/unschooling. It's an outright lie that putting any kid, let alone a chronically ill one, in school will help them feel “normal” and “just like other kids”. School was not created, nor is it designed to be a leveling ground for kids. It exists to get children used to the idea of consuming and following the crowd. It doesn't teach them to think, to get along, to be kind or thoughtful. Meat, who spent his childhood on ritalin and singled out as a hyper-active kid, can attest to exactly how little help a chronically ill child is offered in the school system (really, just ask him). Do NOT trust the teacher or the school administration when they tell you that everything is wonderful and the environment is groovy. These people are paid per child enrolled. Just like anyone working on comission, their job is to bring more heads in so they get more money. They don't want you to teach your child yourself, it's counter-productive to their mission.

Homeschooling or unschooling allows kids – who, by the way are already humans, not miniature people or sub-standard humans – to learn at their own pace and ability. It allows for those days when illness would otherwise prohibit education. Because it IS educational to read a book, watch tv or research things on the computer, even though they seem fun. If you have a Learning Mentality, you will learn from any media – if you're a curious person rather than the type who are happy following the crowd. Bu has repeatedly commented that he loves unschooling because every day he's learning something new, even the days when his migraines are killer. Additionally, he's never had the hurt of being left out of school activities due to illness. He creates his own fun and others join in. He and Jane don't live in a world where their worth is determined by their sporting abilities or social status. They've made friends and talked to people as equals, whether the friends are their age, 40 or 60.

Unschooling/homeschooling the chronically ill child helps him/her to learn limits. This is a vital skill for the future as most chronically ill kids will carry over some of that illness to adult life. Bu is very aware of his limitations and is realistic about what types of jobs he could reasonably take on. He knows that it's not a weakness to let others know about his condition and to be honest about what he can and cannot do.

Some parents have expressed concern that their kids wouldn't have the motivation to learn or take the initiative. I really can't speak for any family other than my own but it's never, EVER been an issue for us. Maybe because life has always been an adventure and a learning experience for me. Perhaps that has bubbled over into my kids' lives. Life is about learning and trying and that was their childhood. If you personally take no delight in learning or think that it is only something that can be doled out by Learned Individuals via Educational Texts between certain hours on certain days of the week during certain calendar months, then you may not be cut out for homeschooling. However, if you're willing to take belly dancing because you think it looks like fun (not to impress your husband/friends), you have your TV or radio tuned to a foreign-language channel and jot down words to look up, enjoy making new recipes or exploring the artsy part of town, then your chronically ill child will likely thrive unschooling or homeschooling.


It Works For Us

While we're still dealing with health issues, life is more bearable for the kids. Not because the kids are sitting on their butts eating candy and playing video games all day. Bu and Jane are fun people to be around - their open minds and insatiable interest in any subject allow them to carry their own in conversations on a variety of topics no matter who they are speaking with. They have abundant self-discipline and wake up early because they're looking forward to what each day offers. They are also aware of how to listen to their Body Signals, when to rest, when to eat, when to get a little extra done. They are well-rounded humans who know their limitations. I look at them every day and see that they are truly thriving. They are happy. They are truly living life. They know what is important and what not to waste their energy on. That's more than enough for me.

Thanks, I DO Decide

Some people get a little concerned when I tell them I watch Al Jazeera for my news. There are a few reasons I've chosen Al Jazeera: (1) I appreciate the world news focus rather than the obsession with finding some "fascinating" or controversial aspect of American news. There's enough Real Stuff going on in the world without trying to dig up something trivial and call it "relevant" (2) It's free via our satellite dish (3) Entertainment and sport are also from a world perspective rather than American. That is good enough criteria for me.

The people who are concerned that I am getting my news from Al Jazeera are worried that I am getting my news from a liberal, and well, ahem, Arab news source. Isn't it at all a teensy bit possible that I could find myself brainwashed by Those People? I'm not quite sure if their concern is more over the liberal or the Arab aspect. As for the former, I've long been open-minded and don't see that changing. And the latter? Anyone with a basic grounding in world history knows that the Arab world is nothing to fear, despite what World Nut Daily or Pat Robertson says. Besides that (shhh, don't tell anyone) you may not have noticed it but I was born in a country the EU repeatedly tries to say is...well..Arab. Despite the fact that 3% is in Europe and the other 97% is in Asia.

What they don't seem to understand, and the United States news channels have excelled at selling, is that I don't watch the news or read a news site to be told what to think. I want to know what has happened. Period. Was there a bombing? A natural disaster? Has a world leader changed or been elected? I don't care if the news station thinks anything about these events, I'll do that for myself. I watch and read from a variety of sources...NHK, The Jerusalem Post, Arutz 7, Today's Zaman, CCTV, DW, IBA...to name a few. So I get a few different opinions about each matter. But see, I don't check out the news because I want to get riled up or disturbed about something. I don't watch the news because I want some television personality to agree with my views. I know what I think and I don't need Glenn Beck, Anderson Cooper, Keith Olberman or Jorge Ramos to think for me. I don't read online news sites so that I can regurgitate some "facts" presented to support a bias. That doesn't do anything good. I just want to know what's going on in the world so I can try to make my corner a little better with kindness, compassion and peace.

I would encourage everyone to become aware of the world by reading histories, meeting people from all over, learning geography and getting rid of biases in favour of facts. Don't take the word of some news presenter, talk radio host or columnist. Find out the facts and make up your own mind. Please don't be a tool in someone else's agenda! Be a free-thinking master of your own life.

Blurry Eurovision

I've always watched Eurovision with a combination of admiration and frustration. It's amazing to see so many singing acts in one place and to see different cultures represented (sometimes) and to see the world change. On the other hand, I get practical experience balancing my path of love for humanity vs. my ethnic pride. I've come to the realisation that it's okay to be happy about what I'm made of, to be happy and pleased when people who share my heritage do something good. And I promise I'm not just saying that because maNga placed second in this year's competition. Really.

Bu and Jane enjoy these kinds of things, to see bits of where they come from. They were both cheering for Turkiye this year even though they're a bit German on Meat's side. We were definitely maNga fans this Eurovision. It was great to be silly and tell them "Granny Facts" about the competition: "Why when I was a kiddie, we didn't have any Bosnia-Herzegovina in Eurovision" and "Russia wasn't even allowed to think about participating until after Perestroika". Bu was saddened to see little (ummm, no?) representation by Arab-speaking countries and I originally thought it had more to do with the lack of clothing worn by some participants rather than the requirement to show the programme in its entirety...including Israel. Considering the kids have a little of both sides in them it's something they've learnt to deal with and accept. And we were happy to hear that Qatar's throwing their hat in for next year.

I've never been really in touch with music that's popular in Europe, or Eurovision for that matter...Bucks Fizz??! (yes, I am that old) Celine Dion? But sometimes I connect, as in the case of the amazing Sertab Erener and the second-place finish of one of my favourite singers, Ofra Haza and Chai. But never have I felt so out of touch as when Lena's Satellite won. There was absolutely nothing about the song that resonated with me. I've been told that my precise statement was, "there are no words to express the absolute suckage of this song". With such a field of fantastic songs, it was a bit of a disappointment. Thankfully, I won't have to listen to it on the radio here because, even if it does cross the Atlantic, I don't listen to english-language radio.

If I were in charge of Eurovision, here's how the finals would look*...

1)Peter Nalitch & Friends (Russia): Lost & Forgotten
2)maNga (Turkiye): We Could Be The Same
3) Giorgos Alkaios & Friends (Greece): OPA
4)Daniel Diges (España): Algo Pequeñito
5)Harel Skaat (Israel): Milim


*note: judging criteria is based on what songs would I (1) pay for -and- (2) put on my MP3 for continual listening enjoyment.

Part of the fun in watching Eurovision is watching it on channels broadcasting in languages I have no idea what they're saying. Belarus did an amazing job covering the finals and I loved the travelogue bits in the breaks. The Romanian broadcasters got particularly happy whenever their entry got points. Cute.

I think it would be lovely to see something along the same lines here in the Americas, a meeting of the music minds. I'd lobby for regions or provinces to be represented, to add to the pot. Wonder what the entry from Trinidad/Tobago would sing? Would Cuba boycott? Would we see the superstars in American music brought forth the same was we've seen in Eurovision? Would Juanes represent Colombia, La Ley Chile, Juan Luis Guerra (one of Meat's faves) for la Republica Dominicana, El Potrillo, Mexico or the incredible Ricardo Arjona representing Guatemala? I'm way out of touch with Canadian music since I no longer live anywhere near there so seeing what's going on in their music scene would be refreshing.

I'm already looking forward to next year's Eurovision and wondering what changes the world will have seen by then too.

The Myth of the Lazy Unschooler

Lazy, according to Merriam-Webster is defined as being "a: disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous b : encouraging inactivity or indolence" It's a term I've heard used quite liberally by, of all people, homeschoolers, when talking about their objection to unschooling. Or, to use the word in a sentence: "Unschoolers are just plain lazy because they don't want to do the work to educate their kids." I will note that most of these homeschoolers aren't speaking from experience unchooling or by being acquainted with unschoolers. They are talking about a concept that they have no familiarity with. Like..."all Martians are green" kinda familiarity.

While I am sad that curriculum-based homeschooling (School-At-Home) ever used to be a part of my life, it does give me background knowledge of how the system works. As someone who has come out of that system to embrace unschooling, I know those critics who claim that unschooling equals parental laziness are dead wrong.

It's very easy to let someone else do the thinking for you and pay for their curriculum. I daresay it's lazy - you know, the part that's defined by "encouraging inactivity"? What activity does the parent do aside from pull out the wallet and pay for it? Oh, that's right...wait until the kids are done with the lesson and check their answers against the key. Sure takes a diligent parent to do that now, doesn't it?

As an unschooling parent I actually get off my butt and get out in the world with my kids. Rather than faking wisdom I don't have, I admit "I don't know, let's find out" and then go to the library, the computer, the community or the backyard to seek the answers. I learn Japanese, Mandarin, Arabic, Spanish and Turkish. Because my kids are interested in them and/or want to know more of their heritage. I learn anatomy, physiology, herbalism, allopathic practice. Because my kids want to know what's going on in their father's "mutant" body. I learn fractions, geometry, volume and metric. Because my kids want to build with cob, change a recipe, create outbuildings for animals and learn how to communicate with and understand family and friends. (and did you know that the United States is only one of three countries that haven't adopted the metric system??!) I learn veterinary science, wildlife behaviour/habits, human and animal nutrition and earth science. Because my kids want to take care of their rescue animals, be kind to the animals that share our property, live with the seasons and eat to nurture their bodies. I learn ancient history, Asian history, military history, American history and state history. Because my kids want to know how we as a human race got where we are and be aware of where we're going. Because they want to know why the country they live in is the way it is. Because they see the state and want to know why a name is a name. This is only a fraction of what each day is like for me. Learning, exploring, living life and gaining wisdom for continuing on as we go.

We prefer to find out the answers ourselves and experience things first-hand rather than believing what someone else has to say about it. For every textbook that claims to have the answers, there are double that with different ones. Truth is what you find when you live it yourself, talk to the people involved or see it in person. Accepting for truth what's read in textbooks doesn't encourage action, it encourages laziness. It doesn't encourage the student to see the facts or truth for him/herself. You're not being an active, involved parent because you compare curricula, haul your kids to Homeschool Play Day and get them involved in Scouts or Awana. That's sitting on your butt, letting other people do the hard work. Really.

As I've said before, my kids never say they're bored; my kids are never bored. Period. The only kids I've ever heard say they were bored were School-at-home kids, kids who were educated "on the outside" (public and private school) and homeschooled kids whose parents insisted on feeding them every bit of "learning" they got. That encourages laziness, that encourages inaction and unwillingness to seek answers or life for themselves.

Rather than buy into the myth of the lazy unschooler, I hope you'll either give unschooling a trial run -summer's the perfect time to give it a shot if you're one of those curriculum-happy folks- or get to know some unschoolers in person before making a judgment.

It's All the Fun Part

Are you living with the idea that you have to endure work or The Boring Part in order to get to The Fun Stuffs? Have you ever had a day that seemed to take forever and all you looked forward to was having some fun or relaxing? Have you ever had a day that seemed to take forever and you were never able to get around to having fun and relaxing? Have you ever told your kids that it's tough but they just need to slog along until The Important Things are done?

This is where I tell you I don't believe in any of that.

There's a brilliant Seth Godin quote that goes "Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, you ought to set up a life you don't need to escape from." (it's probably the only thing I agree with him about).I've lived my life this way for quite a while, long before I ever discovered the quote. Does this mean that the toilets never get cleaned and nobody ever puts petrol in the car? Of course not. People seem to think that setting up a life you don't need to escape from includes having lots of money and servants. Because we all know that rich people never feel the need to escape from their lives, right?

We don't need to be miserable and mistakenly believe that it is being "responsible" just to go to work to earn money to buy things you probably don't need anyway. I definitely have a lot to say on that subject and will soon.

In case they might be able to help you, here are some of the main things I do daily to keep lovin' my life. Because it's all the fun part. If we put off enjoying ourselves and cherishing our loved ones until we "have the time" then it will never happen. And the world is full of people who are fragmented and abjectly miserable because they keep slogging away until they get to the fun part. Which rarely ever comes.

*I choose what I want to do. I want to stay at home and share life and learning with my kids. I refuse to be demeaned or guilted by anyone else over this worthwhile choice that makes me happy. I'm no less of a woman or feminist because I think changing diapers, unschooling, growing food, etc is noble. Nor am I a slacker because I'm not out earning money for what I do. What I do is valuable, whether people I know agree with me or not. Choose what you want to do and be sure it's what truly makes you happy. Choices mean sometimes you go without or do not take an opportunity. It's impossible to have it all so make the choices you can live with.

*I take responsibility for my choices. Again, it's about making choices I can live with. If I'm at home rather than outside earning money, I must accept the down-side as well as the benefits. In my life, it had led to a lot of knowledge and acquiring more skills than I would have had if I'd stayed outside working. I can go without material possessions but I wouldn't have been happy if I'd given up the opportunity to experience life learning with my kids. They are priceless and knowing that I've done everything possible to raise thoughtful people who will bring joy and kindness to the planet makes me happy too.

*Use setbacks and suffering as a means to change. I love Albert Einstein's quote that "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." If things aren't going well for you, try changing something. If your mind is open, suffering can lead to compassion, setbacks can be a chance to develop skills. Don't be afraid to grow, change and become a better person.

*Do the inevitable things with a smile. If you need to do something you find unpleasant you have two choices: (1) do it with a good attitude (2) do it with a bad attitude. If you look at things positively you will do the job more quickly and efficiently. Also, looking at everything as a learning or growing experience can change the way you do everything! What will you miss if you are only narrowly looking at a task? If you find a task unpleasant, think about why you believe that. Often we don't hate doing something but have bought into societal conditioning that the task isn't noble or worthy or that it is drudgery.

*Balance work and rest. Balance is one of the most important things in life. Don't base your existence on the typical work/school mentality that after so much "work" you get a rest. This is the same system that wants to tell you when to eat, when to use the bathroom and when to wake and sleep. It's not a system designed to keep you healthy! Listen to your mind and body. Do what needs to be done, do it with joy and take a break when your body says it is time.

I can honestly say that I love my life. I am thankful to be living the life I have with people I cherish. I have bad days, bad moments, times when I forget what I know to be true. But truly, my life is great. It's all the fun part, all the good stuff, all for real.

Unschooling is Whole Life Living

I love the freedom of Unschooling. Probably my favourite thing about Unschooling is that when particular knowledge is needed, we're free to pursue it. There is no hoarding away "learning" just in case we might need it in the future. The knowledge and learning we receive unschooling is practical, practiced and retained. Historically, that is exactly how humans learned. There was no time to be wasted on quadratic equations or the history of because they were never going to be a part of future life. No pop quizzes or end-of-term tests because living out what you had learned was test enough. Critics of Unschooling may say that learning in this way creates a small field of knowledge or that Important Subjects can be left out. In fact, this criticism should be pointed at curricula-based educational models because they limit learners the most by demanding that every student receive a cookie-cutter lesson plan. There is no individuality and if a student is seen as "weak" in a subject, s/he is humiliated and forced to continue on even if the actual lessons are never learned.

Unschooling avoids this frustration, I would posit that it is because the first lesson an unschooler learns is how to find and learn the information needed. That is how babies figure out how to feed themselves, how to utter syllables and words and how to walk. Despite those attempting to cash in on concerned parents, there truly is no Baby Curriculum because babies don't need to be told how to learn and problem solve! Do we really need physics or to know the Latin root of a word to be a positive, fully functional member of society?

The lie that any educator that wants to see children in a school setting puts forth is that learning must be taught by those trained to teach it. When in reality, everyday living is learning. LIFE IS LEARNING Any child or adult with an open mind and a curious nature cannot help but learn. And the lessons they learn will be much more meaningful and long-lasting than those that were forced.

Learning in freedom, from life brings joy to every day. Rather than reluctant students of useless trivia, we are avid knowledge-seekers becoming and growing each day. By learning in freedom we are able to bypass the obstacles to true enlightenment (peer pressure, others' standards, differences in learning abilities) and focus on truly pursuing the knowledge that will aid us in our lives.

Why, Thank You...I'm NOT Normal

People have a lovely habit of asking me if I do anything “normal”. Why, thank you very much, I am certainly not normal! I enjoy following my interests and spending my time doing things I think are worthwhile. I prefer to eat food that tastes good to me and nourishes my body. I'm happy listening to the music my ears welcome and watch television programmes and movies that resonate with me. I love learning and growing rather than being stagnant and bored. I'm thrilled that I'm following a path that allows me to be at peace with myself.

Do I have much in common with the people who ask if I'm normal? I don't know, since so many seem to base compatibility on the things they see as normal instead of on the things we can learn from one another. But I would lıke to believe that once we got past that, we would be much more alike than different.

Why I'm an At-Home Feminist (and why it doesn't make me any less of a feminist)

When I became a mom, all the hip and happening Mom Magazines featured articles about “The Mommy Wars” - that lovely remnant from feminism that pitted women who felt fulfilled in the workplace against those that gladly chose to stay home and raise their kids. As if humanity needed another reason to argue with one another instead of make peace. In reality there is a lot of self hate in Mommy Battling that we project onto others, probably because we feel pressured into making choices we are not happy with but we women are harming ourselves, and allowing others to harm us with this. I'm sure there's some Meaningful Dialoguing going on somewhere by women assuming William Buckley poses and taking a few extra beats before they answer. Surely there must be. Maybe they are even making progress and healing the damage.

What I have encountered personally is anything from scorn to open hostility when I assert that being a feminist at home is every bit as valid as being a feminist in the workplace. I have even been dumped by long-time friends because they disagreed with my choice to stay at home and didn't want to hear about my life. I don't propose to solve The Mommy Wars here but after thinking about feminism for over 20 years there are some thoughts I would like to share. It's possible that my views and beliefs are shaded by the fact that I grew up in America in the 1970's -1980's with NOW and ERA on the news but not really explained as to how they applied to my life. My step-mother was seen as a feminist but actually lived her life in one long amazing act of self-interest. Because I have no therapist, and have to wing it on my own, I'm sure this subject will be addressed at some point in time. Oh, and for the record, I am totally against bra-burning because (1) I see no need to wear one in the first place, (2) burning a bra is disrespectful of all the hard work another human (probably a woman) has put in for her 3 cents a day. (check your labels, ladies!) (3) Most bras these days are made out of nasty fake material and burning one would likely pollute the planet.

Sadly, we live in a world where convenience is king (queen?) and it colours most aspects of our lives. Without thinking, we've relegated many important roles in our lives to complete strangers for the exchange of a few dollars. We women are losing the last remnants of the True Power we had in the world so we can break through the Glass Ceiling. Many feminists have forgotten that we women used to be the cornerstones of our communities and earned this respect without having to challenge men in the workplace. Many have no idea that at one time we were seen as the Holders of Knowledge in the Things That Really Mattered – practical wisdom, all aspects of food, medicine... and that much of the remaining Knowledge we had after the advancement of Christianity was willingly given up by women ourselves in pursuit of being Just As Good As Men.

I asked myself many questions about what a feminist was. I tried to look at every angle and take long looks outside the box. After getting down with my bad feminist self and reconciling a lot of misinformation and bad education I received (and continue to hear) about feminism, the choice that makes the most sense to my life is to live my life based at home doing everything I can to assure that my kids will be making a difference in the world they will live in. It's also much easier to make a lasting impact in the community when I live what I talk about.

Here were some of the main ideas that solidified my decision to be a Home-Based Feminist:

When women outsource our child care, we lose valuable teaching opportunities. We aren't feminists because we Go Somewhere, we are feminists because that is What We Are. I'm a feminist changing diapers, running a business or pumping gas. Every interaction with our children is an opportunity to show them what a feminist is. When they see how we conduct our lives, interact with others and address issues, they are processing the concept of feminism. They see whether we are a bunch of hot air or do we actually live our lives by the beliefs and principles we claim to have.

When women outsource our children's food, we lose the chance to bring health and healing to our kids. The best way to avoid HFCS, GMOs, cruelty and disease is by growing and making our own food. How can we be feminists and eat chocolate brought to us by child labour, fruits & veggies brought to us by migrantes and meat farmed on land that was once another woman's tribal home? Is feminism only applicable so long as it is our experience we are talking about? Or is feminism truly acting for the behalf of all women? We have sick kids today because we are putting non-foods into their bodies. Teen girls are being diagnosed with osteoporosis, our daughters are suffering menstrual irregularities and disease because of the foods they are putting in their bodies and the products they are using on their skin and hair. Why? Because we outsource our food and “beauty” products rather than teaching our daughters how to make them or that they aren't important.

When women outsource our children's education, we lose the chance to give our children freedom and open minds. Sure, we can show them by our actions, but does the time you spend with your schooled kids come anywhere near the time they spend at school or with friends? Ever wonder why your kid likes that lame pop singer or started using a specific word or phrase? Why they stopped liking broccoli and began asking for different foods? Somebody is going to influence and impact your children and if it is not you it will be someone else. Additionally, there has been much hype about girls not being encouraged in maths and sciences or other fields that have been seen as The Domain of Men. The best way to give your daughter an opportunity to choose her own path is to unschool her. Let her learn on her own steam and choose what she delights in. No pressure, just living and learning the way humans do best. The best way to assure your son will grow up to be a man who respects women is to let him live and learn among them. What can the guys at school offer him? Booby magazines, cheesy pick-up lines, male-bonding sports (really, just Intro to Jingoism 101) and internet porn? What can you, your family and daily experiences offer him? Hopefully a hell of a lot more than that.

When women outsource our children's health care, we lose the chance to have fully healthy kids. I'm not talking about Medical Emergencies or Acute Issues here, if you have a need, go to your doctor. But we parents are indoctrinated before our child's birth that the only Keepers of Health are the folks in white coats housed in stinky buildings with annoying flourescent lights. Simply not true. There is much health and healing you can provide for your own child at home. Most healing happens when we are able to rest, eat properly and allow our bodies to do the fixing. With more freedom and flexibility we are less likely to knee-jerk and give a pill or pharmaceutical potion for the “problem”. By spending more time with our kids we know the difference between a simple tummy ache and a Serious Concern. When we have to take time off from work to Deal With It, we also pressure our kids to get back to school even if they are not fully healed. Surprised that your kiddie got a bug at school? It's likely because some other mother couldn't take the time off to have her kid at home, the kid didn't want to stay home alone or the kid was afraid of missing something big at school. None are especially great or valid reasons to spread germs and put others at risk.

These are just a few of the reasons that I chose, and continue to choose to stay at home with my kids. If given the chance, I would do it again and with more genki. It would be nice if my Work Outside Feminist sisters could read this and simply accept the fact that I am choosing my own feminist path. It would be nice if I gave a bit of encouragement to my At Home Feminist sisters as well. If each of us make well-informed, well-reasoned decisions we hopefully won't feel defensive or insecure. By fighting the Mommy Wars we are wounding our sisters and keeping ourselves from the truly important work: raising the next generation of humans who accept and respect each other regardless of their sex or label.

While I've always thought of myself as a feminist, feminism to me has never been about women doing what men do - or whether we do it better or not. Honestly, I don't care if I measure up to a man. Or for that matter, I don't care if I measure up to a woman. There are too many variables involved in judging ourselves against others that it's futile. I can only be the best me that I can be. There is only one Nezumi and it's my job to be the Super-est Super Nezumi that I can be. Changing, evolving, growing, transmuting...Becoming every day. Why bother to even try comparing myself to anyone else? I think that's why so many people are unhappy in so many aspects of their lives.

Feminism, to me, is about the glory of women. What we can do, what special, amazing abilities we bring to the world. How are we glorifying women when we repress the things that make us so unbelievably unique just to do what men have chosen to do? Why should I be shamed because I can give birth to, nurture and educate my children...people who will one day be making important choices on and about this planet? Equality for women should not hinge on them doing the same work men do. It should be about women receiving equal credit (in every aspect of society) for their abilities. Their unique abilities. Not for how we can most mirror men.

I know there are people who won't understand what I'm saying. I think the words "feminist", "feminine" and "equality" are probably pretty loaded with semantics for many. Sadly, I believe there are a lot of women who are just as harmed and hurt by the feminist movement as they were prior. Because we still haven't achieved balance.

I'm a woman and I'm proud of that. I don't want to ever be a Second Class Man, nor do I want to be Just Like another woman. Maybe that makes me an Individualist?

Why Being a VegHead and Unschooling Aren't Separate

What I'm going to say here might offend or irritate some of my abolitionist vegan or animal-rights vegan friends. I hope their minds are open enough to receive it but this is something I've wanted to address for a long time. The bottom line of this is that children deserve freedom, love and compassion too. Kids need to be free in their natural environment. If you became a vegetarian or vegan because you don't see animals as "lesser beings" then I would ask that you please give the same consideration to those who are being forced into schools and universities against their wills. We often treat children as sub-humans or humans-in-training instead of giving them respect as the full humans they already are.

In The Real World, people are fragmented and fractured. People give up trying to piece all the parts together and just fill a few roles, and this is something they project onto their children. The Real World says that school is a separate entity from home life or summer holiday and that learning is something achieved only by sitting in The School Box and receiving Learning from Mama Bird Teachers who moosh up all these Heavy Educational Concepts and feed them to the Baby Bird Students. Because most of us who are sending our kids out to school or sitting them down to learn with purchased curricula at home were once publicly or privately schooled ourselves we see this as Normal. Maybe we've even forgotten how binding and restricting we ever felt school was, or how much we hated to get up the mornings or how we never wanted summer to end. I think most of us ended up dealing with is as Something to Endure and took the best with us. That speaks more of the resilience and perseverance of human creatures than it does of the goodness and necessity of the school culture.

But the thing is, in the same way that a factory farm isn't the place for an animal, neither is a factory school (or factory curriculum) the place for a child. Of any age. School is not the natural environment for kids to learn or live. In fact, it stifles, represses and harms. One of the reasons I originally became a vegetarian was because the though of animals stuffed in amongst each other, in fear, being treated cruelly broke my heart. As time went by and children became a serious consideration, I realised that school and it's authoritarian curricula were absolutely no different from a factory farm. It truly was very much the same as a veal crate or batter cage. What school did was force children out of their natural habitat (the family) into an environment populated by people with agendas and rules governing natural bodily functions. When you wake up. When you can eat. What you can eat. When and what you learn. When you use the bathroom and even how clean that bathroom is. You cannot leave this environment unless given permission or until The Authorities tell you that you can leave. When you are given freedom, it is to yet another structured environment - either the playground, school activities or home. And even home is regulated with homework, school projects and early bedtimes so kids aren't too sleepy to learn the next day. There is little to no freedom at all for a student, no say over how his/her own life is lived. Only compliance with what their parents or educators dictate.

A private school or school-at-home might seem like a better compromise. Less cruelty, in many situations (Montessori, Waldorf, etc) children are treated with a little more respect and open-mindedness. School-at-home allows kids the "freedom" to learn in a less competitive, open environment. In many ways, this is similar to small, family-owned farms or families that raise their own meat for slaughter. The animals may receive a bit more kindness and interaction than factory farmed animals. They may have access to open pastures, fresh water and cleaner stalls. But the end result is still that the animal is a Secondary Being and will be slaughtered. Its real existence has been simply for us to consume it. It exists for our own personal purposes, not because it is a living being put on the earth to live. When we prepare our children to be sent out into The Real World we are, in essence, preparing it for slaughter, we are preparing it to suit the purpose we brought it into our family for, not the purpose he or she is here to fulfill.

Yes, this is only my viewpoint. It's Just My Opinion. As one who has chosen to be vegetarian and vegan in a country that sees meat-eating as not only normal but a human right, as someone who lives among people who believe that animals are property for us to use as seen fit (ie: consumed and treated poorly) I have answered countless questions, been derided and mocked or what I believe. I understand that not everybody believes that animals have feelings, thoughts, ideas and emotions of their own. I've had years of experience with a variety of animals and know that to be a fallacy. They feel pain, emotions and fear. They feel love and can be kind and thoughtful. Yet I understand there are people who cannot comprehend this. But to my vegetarian and vegan friends who aren't unschoolers I would ask them to please step outside of The Schooling Box and give the same thought to their children that they gave their decision to give up consuming animals. Be willing to question your motives and beliefs, be willing to stand up for what is right when others might not understand. Please, just think about it.

I cannot separate the reasons I became a vegetarian (then vegan) from the reasons I unschool. Life is precious. Living creatures deserve freedom. Living creatures deserve life.

May 18

It's May 18! Maybe if you weren't in Washington or Oregon in 1980 the day won't mean much to you. But every time May 18 comes around I think of Mount St. Helens and coming out of a movie theater to a crazy world. Even though we were a few hundred miles away, ash fell from the sky, the roads and other surfaces were covered and my stepmother had to drive us home from the cinema with her head hanging out the window and a scarf tied around her nose and mouth. Once we went back to school there was no recess and we were issued those cheap masks for standing in the bus queue.

I still have a little bottle of the ash. Feeling particularly crafty, my stepmother gave me an old candy sprinkles bottle that I filled with the ash and she attached a ribbon and a small fake flower to it. Very stylish memento indeed! 30 years later it remains proudly displayed with my other treasures in my room.

Fellow hockey fans will appreciate that May 18 is also the birthday of my favourite hockey player, Jari Kurri. I started my hockey fandom in awe of the amazing Edmonton Oilers and indeed I do value the unsung, non-celebrity heroes. The Oilers were an incredibly fluid team, thanks in great part to Kurri's talent. I particularly loved watching his interaction with Esa Tikkanen...yeah, while everyone else was watching Gretzky.

Happy May 18 everyone!

Boxing It In

I'm sure it's just my natural freakishness but I have a hard time communicating with people. I tend to ask "how?" and "why?" and "what do you think?" and I mean it. There's a lot of superficial talk and conversations going on and those questions don't really fit in. Ummm, well, unless it's someone who has Always Done Things This Way and they're asking me why I do my freakish things. (you know, the whole vegetarian/vegan, non-GMO, unschooling, life-learning, non-Christianity, home-based things. In that case it's always okay to Ask The Freak Uncomfortable Questions)

I also notice that unless they're able to put a concept In A Box, sometimes it's hard for people to grasp an idea. Sure, I have mind pictures when I hear words like "house", "food" and "school" but when I'm talking to someone else, I'm pretty sure their ideas are their own (or at least certainly not the same as mine!) and I want to clarify what they mean so I can understand them better. Maybe that was something I was born with or maybe it's a survival mechanism I've developed after being with Meat for 20 years. Semantics can make a huge difference in your conversations, people! Most people seem to be really happy in their boxes. And really uncomfortable when asked "why" or "how". Because, well, I must be pretty stupid if I don't get it that things are done THIS way because they've always been done THIS way. What's wrong with me that I don't get that simple idea?

Sometimes it is easier to talk to people on common levels: the weather, the price of whatever and other, simple and safe topics. But it really makes it hard to be anything more than an acquaintance with many. I think life is more interesting and full when I question what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It means that I'm frequently changing and altering how I do things and what I believe. It also alters who others perceive me as but I think of it as growing into a Newer Me.

In Which I Talk About Being Bored

I'm not bored. I can't think of a time since I was a child that I've been bored. There's always something to do, if only we are willing to look around.

Funny, when I was a kid I used to get bored. Since Aniki was much older than I, I never had a sibling to play with. It got pretty lonely and when I wasn't in school with all that Socialisation I found myself sad and with nothing to do. Before I went to school there was always something fun. Kids to play with, games to make up. Once school began it was all Games With Rules and team games. Nobody wanted to pretend anymore or explore anymore. Life got boring quickly.

It hurts me when parents share that their kids say they're bored. Or when parents say they can't wait for summer holiday to be over so they can send their kids back to school. To me, that's an indicator that kids haven't been allowed the freedom to not know what boredom is. Because when we're free to learn and explore the world, rather than be put into a Learning Box, then there is no boredom. When we are led by our interests and curiosity, there's no reason to be bored. There's always something interesting to do! But when we put children into school they are conditioned to believe that life is supposed to be fed to them constantly. What else could we expect when we tell them what time to get up, when to go, what to "study" and when, when to eat, when it's ok to use the bathroom, when it's okay to take some exercise, when it's okay to excuse yourself from class, when it's okay to go home, when it's okay to sleep...you get the idea. We take young children and knock all the sense out of them in the name of Learning. Which isn't learning at all but conditioning for society! The worst part of it is that parents complain when their kids react to the surroundings they were put in by demanding the same stimulation when they're home.

These kids aren't bored, they don't know how to think for themselves or initiate activity for themselves!

I'm so thankful that I've never heard either of my kids say "I'm bored". They know that life is too interesting to be boring. For them, there's not enough time in the day to squeeze in all their interests. There's simply not enough time for them to be bored.

I hope you'll give the gift of freedom to your kids today and every day. Unschooling isn't lack of learning, it's the freedom to learn every minute of the day!

Why I Suck at Social Media

I'm a yappy person. I love chatting and have so many interests I'm bound to connect with anyone about anything. I seem like I'm cut out for social media. I love chatting with my friends, meddling in their apps and the quick responses. Of course, we're talking about me, so I really love the add-ons and fiddling with things to make my little corner reflect my personality.

The one problem I didn't expect to have with social media is that...well...real life often takes over my world and they get ignored. Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes for a week. Sometimes longer. Because, I'm busy, you see? I'm out there living and having fun. I'm learning and having bad days, I'm baking bread and playing Scrabble with my kids. I'm having PMS or making a cup of tea. And all of that is much more important than logging in and checking up on my cyberplace.

So I guess you could mark it #epicfail for me and social media. But really, I'm glad because it means I'm cherishing the people and things that matter the most. Not talking about it and living vicariously through others.

I hope you cherish those who are near to you!

Success

I've recently been thinking about the word "success". I've never really thought about it much in my life, that's probably a benefit from being an outsider to a culture. I tried to fit in with what was considered "successful" in school and ended up happier when I followed my own interests and instincts.

Sometime, probably when Meat and I were spending our time being crazy hippies and having fun, people we knew who used to be equally Irresponsible turned themselves towards "success". Not Success as in: meeting challenges and overcoming them. Rather, Success which many seem to translate as: Pursuing lots of money and social esteem. Likely with the whole house, cars and trappings as well. But when I run across these people or see their pictures, most of them don't look like success has made them happy. They look rushed, stressed and...um, miserable. Over time, the people that believed that success equals a good job, lots of money in the bank and a family holiday every year kind of dropped out of our social circle. I admit that sometimes my feelings were hurt, as if we didn't quite meet their standards. After all, I didn't mind them being different from me, I just saw it as having diverse interests. I wasn't any less educated or intelligent because I chose to pursue life from the home outwards rather than the workplace inwards. Why should they be unable to bridge the gaps? But I could see that the ways we approached life once kids came along was quite different. By necessity, they needed more approval from their chosen societies to make their lives Successful. I just needed to play with my kids and have fun. Yes, it happened in society...at the library, the farmer's market, local shops, exploring nearby towns and our little corner. But yes, I can see how different our worlds were and are.

And now we're all in our forties and when I run into a contemporary or see them on a social media site, I'm often shocked. I want to ask them: Are you successful? Did you reach your goals? Did you get what you wanted? But most of all I want to ask them: Are you happy? Do you know how to be happy anymore? Or did you change your definition of "happy" and "success" to meet someone else's standards.

I wanted to get Meat's take on this: "Success if making a goal and following through with it. Sometimes it's difficult but I feel successful when I finish what I set out to do." Of course, Wembler that I am, I had to consider the question from every angle...but isn't it successful to even have tried to achieve something, even if you do fail? Isn't it success to get out of your comfort zone and try something new?
We agreed that it is big enough to include that too.

I think for me, success is making decisions you are happy to live with. Not decisions you can live with. But making decisions that make you happy to be alive every day. Sure, life is going to have bumps and times that feel unbearable. Hopefully the decisions you make won't contribute to that load. As for my own world, I feel very successful being with my family, growing and preparing our food, learning more, more and MORE, sharing my home and love with rescue animals and doing what I can to make the Big World a more clean, peaceful and joyful place.

I wish you joy and success in your life!

In Which I Talk About Unschoolers and Food

I'm one of the blissfully ignorant unschoolers who didn't bother to watch any of the recent television coverage of unschooling. I've heard about some of it but my general approach is that watching a programme about a subject done by or reported by people who don't do it is really not productive. I know about unschooling, I do it every day. It's my life. Not just my kids' lives, my life too. I unschool. I am still learning. I didn't stop on Diploma Day, I kept right on going. I doubt I would learn anything from television coverage of unschooling other than exactly how biased the reporting is and how rude non-unschoolers are in piling on the hate. And who really needs that anyway? Those of us who openly unschool deal with it without all the extra hype.

One subject I've seen pop up in Twitter or forums from those who are unfamiliar with peaceful living/parenting is the issue of food. Apparently someone, somewhere heard, or maybe saw, some unschooling kids eating candy. Maybe lots of it. I heard it was because the kid wanted candy. Probably wanted to eat lots of it. Gawds, like that never happens in The Real World. This is something Terrible and Scary. This is Bad Parenting. This must be Stopped at all Costs.

Fine, so let's just look at this a mo', can we? People are worried that possibly, some unschooling kid/s somewhere, is/are eating a mountain of candy. And they're not worried about the public/private/homeschooled kids that do? Because....? Because parents who have their kids in public/private or homeschool are more, ummm, responsible than unschooling (ie: Real Lazy) parents? Or am I missing something here? Because, as I have already mentioned, I don't really groove with the whole Mainstream Thing.

While I have little hope in Lemming Society as an entity, I kinda, sorta think that most people actually observe what's going on with their family, friends and around them. Meat thinks I'm giving most people too much credit. I live in hope that the Consciousness Level is rising and will continue to because, well, Enlightenment is a Nice Thing. I have already mentioned that my Freakishness Level is pretty high. I'm not arrogant to think I've achieved Ultimate Freakishness, but, well, from my experiences, I get it that I'm fairly abnormal. Compared to the average sit-n-school, ship-em-out parent. And of our friends, most of them eat pretty nasty stuff. Candy. Soda pop. Box food. Frozen food. Convenience food. Sometimes lots of it. This is the adults, mind, so the kids follow the example. Haute cuisine for most of the people we met when Meat was military was tinned soup and box macaroni cheese. if they ate any veg, it was tinned, lifeless veg, looking more like a science experiment than something picked from a garden. I got tummy ache just listening to the candy and junk my sister-in-law feeds the kids she lives with. So, what I'm saying is, from my observation of Real Live People We Know, these people feed their kids junk! In real life, we are the only radical unschoolers/life learners we know. I've chatted with many online, but I'm not sitting around their family rooms with them seeing how they truly live their lives. Like you aren't hanging in my kitchen with me. Whether you believe me or not (and I suspect this will have much to do with your political/religious leaning...) here's how we do things on Planet Nezumi:

While I respect the concept of letting kids choose whatever food they want to eat, and in fact, we practise it regularly, there are certain foods that never darken our doorstep. I may be kicked out of the Radical Parenting Club for this but I'll take my lumps. I come from a tradition that the foods one puts in the body are put there for the purpose of nurturing, healing and strengthening. Sure, there's room for pleasure eating but a body raised with natural foods enjoys the foods as they are. My chocolate-loving son marveled the other day, "we really don't need cake or cookies if we have fruit. It's delicious enough on its own." (no, I didn't pay or bribe him to say it).

Therefore the following foods (as far as it's within our power) never hit the trolley:

1. Foods made from suffering. No meat or commercially farmed dairy/eggs. Only fair trade or from farmers we know.
2. Foods made from chemicals rather than foods. We grow a lot of our own and buy foods that have identifiable...ummm...food names in the ingredients list. No dyes or preservatives, no spewed soy stuffs.
3. Frankenfoods. No GMO's. No growth hormones. If it wasn't in the food 5,000 years ago, I don't want it in the food now. I don't support agricultural monopolies anyway so there's no need to mass-spray or genetically modify food to protect it from insects or make it grow prettier, faster or bigger. I love my local farmers and gardeners who care for their foods with love and sweat.
4. Fresh foods that are out of season. Since Meat isn't totally on the Seasonal Eating Train, this one has some stretchiness. But when I have a say, we don't by the hydroponic tomatoes from the Farmer's Market when it opens in April.

There are other factors involved in what and how much of anything our family eats. Facts, for one. We don't have loads of money so I'm not going to let the electric get shut off because someone wants to eat 20 bags of Corn Fluffies (plus, if they were conventionally farmed they'd be loaded with pesticides, GMOs & cruelty anyway...) The lesson in wanting to eat the whole package of Treats is that when it is gone, it is gone, it is one of the many choices we are confronted with daily. We also deal with some dietary challenges (that we're in the process of healing) to keep folks healthy. But certain foods can be seriously harmful to individuals. So no matter how yummy it is, it's not worth diminished health or serious illness. Again, Bu & Jane are aware of how these foods impact their systems and understand how their bodies react.

I guess the moral of this story is that we're all individuals and we do things differently. Just because all the Mainstream Folks we know live off of junk food, doesn't mean that everybody does. And just because we try to eat kindly and healthfully doesn't mean all Unschoolers do. We're unique and have lots to learn from one another.