When I became a mom, all the hip and happening Mom Magazines featured articles about “The Mommy Wars” - that lovely remnant from feminism that pitted women who felt fulfilled in the workplace against those that gladly chose to stay home and raise their kids. As if humanity needed another reason to argue with one another instead of make peace. In reality there is a lot of self hate in Mommy Battling that we project onto others, probably because we feel pressured into making choices we are not happy with but we women are harming ourselves, and allowing others to harm us with this. I'm sure there's some Meaningful Dialoguing going on somewhere by women assuming William Buckley poses and taking a few extra beats before they answer. Surely there must be. Maybe they are even making progress and healing the damage.
What I have encountered personally is anything from scorn to open hostility when I assert that being a feminist at home is every bit as valid as being a feminist in the workplace. I have even been dumped by long-time friends because they disagreed with my choice to stay at home and didn't want to hear about my life. I don't propose to solve The Mommy Wars here but after thinking about feminism for over 20 years there are some thoughts I would like to share. It's possible that my views and beliefs are shaded by the fact that I grew up in America in the 1970's -1980's with NOW and ERA on the news but not really explained as to how they applied to my life. My step-mother was seen as a feminist but actually lived her life in one long amazing act of self-interest. Because I have no therapist, and have to wing it on my own, I'm sure this subject will be addressed at some point in time. Oh, and for the record, I am totally against bra-burning because (1) I see no need to wear one in the first place, (2) burning a bra is disrespectful of all the hard work another human (probably a woman) has put in for her 3 cents a day. (check your labels, ladies!) (3) Most bras these days are made out of nasty fake material and burning one would likely pollute the planet.
Sadly, we live in a world where convenience is king (queen?) and it colours most aspects of our lives. Without thinking, we've relegated many important roles in our lives to complete strangers for the exchange of a few dollars. We women are losing the last remnants of the True Power we had in the world so we can break through the Glass Ceiling. Many feminists have forgotten that we women used to be the cornerstones of our communities and earned this respect without having to challenge men in the workplace. Many have no idea that at one time we were seen as the Holders of Knowledge in the Things That Really Mattered – practical wisdom, all aspects of food, medicine... and that much of the remaining Knowledge we had after the advancement of Christianity was willingly given up by women ourselves in pursuit of being Just As Good As Men.
I asked myself many questions about what a feminist was. I tried to look at every angle and take long looks outside the box. After getting down with my bad feminist self and reconciling a lot of misinformation and bad education I received (and continue to hear) about feminism, the choice that makes the most sense to my life is to live my life based at home doing everything I can to assure that my kids will be making a difference in the world they will live in. It's also much easier to make a lasting impact in the community when I live what I talk about.
Here were some of the main ideas that solidified my decision to be a Home-Based Feminist:
When women outsource our child care, we lose valuable teaching opportunities. We aren't feminists because we Go Somewhere, we are feminists because that is What We Are. I'm a feminist changing diapers, running a business or pumping gas. Every interaction with our children is an opportunity to show them what a feminist is. When they see how we conduct our lives, interact with others and address issues, they are processing the concept of feminism. They see whether we are a bunch of hot air or do we actually live our lives by the beliefs and principles we claim to have.
When women outsource our children's food, we lose the chance to bring health and healing to our kids. The best way to avoid HFCS, GMOs, cruelty and disease is by growing and making our own food. How can we be feminists and eat chocolate brought to us by child labour, fruits & veggies brought to us by migrantes and meat farmed on land that was once another woman's tribal home? Is feminism only applicable so long as it is our experience we are talking about? Or is feminism truly acting for the behalf of all women? We have sick kids today because we are putting non-foods into their bodies. Teen girls are being diagnosed with osteoporosis, our daughters are suffering menstrual irregularities and disease because of the foods they are putting in their bodies and the products they are using on their skin and hair. Why? Because we outsource our food and “beauty” products rather than teaching our daughters how to make them or that they aren't important.
When women outsource our children's education, we lose the chance to give our children freedom and open minds. Sure, we can show them by our actions, but does the time you spend with your schooled kids come anywhere near the time they spend at school or with friends? Ever wonder why your kid likes that lame pop singer or started using a specific word or phrase? Why they stopped liking broccoli and began asking for different foods? Somebody is going to influence and impact your children and if it is not you it will be someone else. Additionally, there has been much hype about girls not being encouraged in maths and sciences or other fields that have been seen as The Domain of Men. The best way to give your daughter an opportunity to choose her own path is to unschool her. Let her learn on her own steam and choose what she delights in. No pressure, just living and learning the way humans do best. The best way to assure your son will grow up to be a man who respects women is to let him live and learn among them. What can the guys at school offer him? Booby magazines, cheesy pick-up lines, male-bonding sports (really, just Intro to Jingoism 101) and internet porn? What can you, your family and daily experiences offer him? Hopefully a hell of a lot more than that.
When women outsource our children's health care, we lose the chance to have fully healthy kids. I'm not talking about Medical Emergencies or Acute Issues here, if you have a need, go to your doctor. But we parents are indoctrinated before our child's birth that the only Keepers of Health are the folks in white coats housed in stinky buildings with annoying flourescent lights. Simply not true. There is much health and healing you can provide for your own child at home. Most healing happens when we are able to rest, eat properly and allow our bodies to do the fixing. With more freedom and flexibility we are less likely to knee-jerk and give a pill or pharmaceutical potion for the “problem”. By spending more time with our kids we know the difference between a simple tummy ache and a Serious Concern. When we have to take time off from work to Deal With It, we also pressure our kids to get back to school even if they are not fully healed. Surprised that your kiddie got a bug at school? It's likely because some other mother couldn't take the time off to have her kid at home, the kid didn't want to stay home alone or the kid was afraid of missing something big at school. None are especially great or valid reasons to spread germs and put others at risk.
These are just a few of the reasons that I chose, and continue to choose to stay at home with my kids. If given the chance, I would do it again and with more genki. It would be nice if my Work Outside Feminist sisters could read this and simply accept the fact that I am choosing my own feminist path. It would be nice if I gave a bit of encouragement to my At Home Feminist sisters as well. If each of us make well-informed, well-reasoned decisions we hopefully won't feel defensive or insecure. By fighting the Mommy Wars we are wounding our sisters and keeping ourselves from the truly important work: raising the next generation of humans who accept and respect each other regardless of their sex or label.
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